In Search of Grace

I created this site so people could find the help they need; if they had a question, maybe I could give them some insight. I haven’t worked on the site in a while because I was severely depressed. But just because I deal with depression does not mean I intend to hurt myself. I have a doctor and medication, but sometimes that is not enough. Getting out of bed in the morning took a monumental effort. Getting through the day was no easy task, and if I did make it out, it usually required a nap. 

After watching a show that I’m sure many know, I began to renew my faith. I was raised Catholic but fell away from the church because I couldn’t understand how a loving God could allow so many bad things to happen in my life. I felt unloved, unwanted, and hated. I haven’t been to church because I simply cannot afford it—it would cost $120 a month with a rideshare, which is a big chunk out of my $1500 monthly income. I’m told God will provide me with everything I need, but I’m just not there yet. Paratransit is unreliable at best, it’s too far to walk, and there are no buses on Sundays. 

During this time, I found a very soft-spoken, kind man (with the most intense, beautiful eyes) on the internet who publicly prayed and invited others to join him. He was funny and smart. The look of awe, appreciation, and wonder in his eyes when he heard a bird sing or watching the sun set touched a part of me that I thought I had lost forever. They were old videos, but I didn’t care—I felt like I belonged. He really made me think and I wanted to know more.  

There were a few instances in my life, during this time, that were confusing, and I mistakenly shared them with others. I knew better, but I did it anyway. I am so sorry I did. 

I reached out to one person who played a part in this situation just to say “thank you” for their role in all this. During our conversation, they pointed out a comment I had made. I apologized profusely, but by the end of the conversation, I knew that even though they said it was “ok,” it wasn’t. 

I feel like my faith is in question. I cannot express how overwhelmed with sadness I am; it feels like someone I love just died. I’m truly sorry for what I did, even though I know I’ll never be truly forgiven. But isn’t that what Christ teaches us? Forgiveness? Or is it only for some people? I know I’m nothing to a lot of people, and I will never be anything more than I already am. But I am also human. After being alone for 30 years, I’ve lost some of my social graces and apparently committed a ‘mortal sin.’ It seems like forgiveness isn’t an option. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, however long that may be. But if every move I make is just another mark against me, maybe it’s better that way. I was never one to pretend to be something I wasn’t. Everything I say or do is from the heart with no malicious intent. I’m sorry if I was perceived in any other way.